I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
