Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
