At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
