I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
