I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
