Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
