You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i drank out of a bidet.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
