I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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