I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
