Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
