I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
