My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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