You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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