I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
