new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
