I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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