quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
