The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
