Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
