someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
