Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
