You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
