Can i not drive my cunt home
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
