I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
