I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
