So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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