My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
