im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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