Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
