im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I didn't notice because vodka
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
