dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
