you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
