i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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