This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
