I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
