just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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