I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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