apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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