You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
