at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
