My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
