My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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