exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
