i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
