My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
