i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
