Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
last night I used snow as a chaser
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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