I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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