I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
