All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
