People in love make me want to vomit
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
