I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
