Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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