Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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