so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
