Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
