dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
