My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
