I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
