The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
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My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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