we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
